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Back to basics
Leena Kamath
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Remember Robert Kennedy’s words: “Some people see things the way they are and ask why. I see things the way they could be and ask why not.”
"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." -- G.B. Shaw
I've sat here for the past hour, listening to Gulzar’s Ghazals and contemplating sincerely on what to write about. I've decided that after all the columns about
silly fish,
pap farms, middle-class American towns and heroes that the people who care enough to read my rants would forgive me a few more hundred words of philosophical ramblings.
With another year coming to an end, I've found myself thinking more intently about the person I have become and the person I would like to be – one day. After an intense chat session with my father – who lectured, raved and ranted on and on about the kind of person I should be, I decided to vent my feelings through my column. So, this column is basically to get him off my back for a month or so before he starts hounding me again. (Just kidding Dad)
I look back on the past year, reassessed my losses, compromises, evaluated my shattered dreams – and realized that I had learnt a lot from them – Life’s little lessons. I recalled the victories, happy moments, and remembered those sleepless nights I spent staring at the ceiling wall mulling over the fear that consumed me: That I would never, ever be good enough. I do not know what the future holds for me - the uncertainty, ambiguity and insecurity of tomorrow haunt me.
But somewhere along the way – on a similar sleepless night - something inside me snapped. Fear can be a beast. I promised myself I would never listen to its constant naggings ever again -- and I never looked back. I have vowed never to undermine myself or my achievements.
It took me a long time to realize that I am beautiful, witty and wonderful.
And more importantly, I also realized that we should all consider ourselves as beautiful and witty and wonderful people too.
I've looked to Ayn Rand and Viktor Frankl and Swami Yogananda to understand the meaning of life and came out of my search realizing that we each extract our own meaning. My husband asked me the other day what I liked about Ayn Rand’s philosophy. I could not answer his question – but all I knew is that she provoked me to ask questions and seek what I wanted out of life.
I've come to realize that life is never perfect and that we will never be perfect. And I also realize that it doesn’t matter. We spend so much time in paying attention to the wrong part of our own stories.
Sometimes we worry so much about the thorns on the flower that we forget to stop and smell the rose.
And I'll be the first to admit that it's hard not to wince in pain every once in a while – admitting to our mistakes, wishing we could have be some place else, not forgetting to thank those people who have made a difference to our lives. Yes, eliminating fear is a challenge.
I have dared and have had my heart crushed and my spirit torn apart. I've walked away from many challenges and many stories a defeated woman. But strangely the defeat never lasts long. The pain fades away…and the sun shines ever so brightly the next day. To quote the immortal words of Robert Frost, "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." I agree. Wholly.
I will shed a tear, no doubt – thinking back on all my losses, friends who have drifted away, irreversible mistakes… And when yet another year comes to an end, I look out into the sea of onlookers without a trace of trepidation. I am ready. Oh yes, I am.
- Leena Kamath
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