A drive on the busy streets of Bangalore, Mysore or for that matter any city street in India, will expose us to the most creative of abuses. Busy Indian roads are perfect places to enjoy road rage at its creative best. Personally I love watching people’s behaviour in traffic. Yes, indeed it is quite frustrating if you are at the receiving end of a road rage but for an onlooker, it is entertainment. May be that’s why some people don’t think twice before stopping at a minor accident site. They know they are in for a treat in theatrics, in fact this is a different kind of Rangayana; here even the audience can become part of the theatrics.
Speaking of the audience becoming part of the act, it was reported on August 17th that Labour Minister B. N. Bachche Gowda joined his gunman and driver in assaulting one Bharat Kumar for overtaking the Minister’s car. In some reports it had appeared that Bharat Kumar, who had consumed considerable amount of alcohol, was repeatedly and erratically trying to overtake the Minister’s vehicle. It is alleged that when they stopped at a traffic jam and the Minister’s driver and gunman asked Kumar why he was driving like a maniac knowing well that a Minister’s car was also in traffic, Kumar said, “If he is a Minister, so what? Is he going to be a Minister forever?”
It is reported that since the driver and the gunman seemed to be getting into a never - ending altercation with Bharat Kumar, the Minister in an attempt to diffuse the situation, alighted from his vehicle and introduced himself as “I am Minister Bachche Gowda...” And even before the Minister could complete the sentence, Bharat Kumar arrogantly replied, “So what? Even I am a Gowda.” Thus the drama spilled over from a tense scene to a full blown action sequence. Our hero who began as Speedy - Kumar to Smart Ass - Kumar was now on the verge of becoming Smashed – up - Kumar. It sure must have been an earful and an eyeful of entertainment for the onlookers.
While it is entertaining for us, it must have been horrifying for Bharat Kumar’s wife and kids. In a way, may be Kumar’s wife was relieved considering that her speedy - hubby was putting hers and her children’s lives in harm’s way by driving at high speeds. But unfortunately, it seems even a Minister does not care to follow the law and believes in “quick – fix” methods. Yes, indeed, Kumar was a negligent driver, but couldn’t the Minister just call the local Traffic Police and have Kumar’s vehicle seized? No, it seems the Minister was not worried that Speedy - Kumar was a traffic hazard; he was more worried about the fact that he was “overtaking a Minister’s car.”
When we are on road, most of us put our egos before our safety. People break every traffic rule there is but then crib about how the cops stop and collect money to meet their monthly targets. But how many of us truly follow the traffic rules? We honk indiscriminately. We park in a non - parking area and when the Police tell us to move, we immediately, in a submissive tone, say, “Just 1 minute work sir”. We park in front of people’s gates with complete disregard and when the owner of the house asks us to move, we simply say “When your car comes, just give me a call”. According to the Indian Motor Vehicles Act, there is a fine for each of these unbecoming actions.
But what is most enjoyable is the silly manifestation of egos in traffic. My personal favorite is the stare. You are on a main road and suddenly a two - wheeler jumps from across the road and brakes, just missing bumping into your vehicle. Then the rider gives you a dirty stare. After three seconds, that stare becomes a sigh of disbelief, after another six seconds he has a look of “I don’t care” along with an angry kick to restart his vehicle. If you look a little submissive, then he’ll get physical; if you look influential or are bigger than him, then he’ll simply disappear like an inconvenienced rat. All in all, by the end of 10 seconds, he would have made as many facial expressions and “eye – modulations” as to give even a seasoned Bharatanatayam dancer a complex.
I have a very mischievous cousin, and once on his two - wheeler, he by chance almost bumped into a middle - aged man. My cousin said, “Sorry, I didn’t see” to which the man simply said, “Ayeeeee” (we took it as being “it’s ok”). But the man continued to stare until finally my cousin couldn’t take it any more and winked, making a kissing facial expression along with a big smooching sound. The man turned away and never looked at us until the signal turned green. My cousin must have created another “homophobe” that day.
Then we have the Road Romeos; guys who think that they are Hrithik Roshans and John Abrahams from the movie Dhoom. Guys who ride around frantically in their little 150 cc motorcycles at full throttle on a full tank of ego and narcissism with self-consciousness at 6000 rpm and their radar for girls — ‘babedar’ (an expression used when guys turn their heads from left to right looking for girls to impress) — scanning radius set to 360 degrees. These guys are the most interesting to watch with their flicking of the head to set their hair and their tight shirts that they borrowed from their little sister. These are the same guys who go near a girl when she is riding and scare her and think it’s funny.
These are the same guys who suddenly have the unrelenting urge to ride on one wheel in a busy street scaring the old people and of course entertaining young kids and sadistic guys like myself who start chanting our mantra — “God, knock these Dhoomwannabes off their bikes and prove that you exist.” Alas, it has happened just once out of the five times that I have witnessed a wheelie. This means that the proof that God exists is just 20%. But then, may be he is kind especially to the dumb considering that the success rate of not falling off the bike is 80%. Anyways, God bless this bunch of “fast and the frivolous.”
Speaking of Road Romeos, once I heard my friend burst out in anger while talking about traffic increase in Mysore saying, “What’s wrong with these heroes on bikes?” I asked what happened and he replied, “This morning, I was going with my wife near the DC’s office and two fellows on a bike kept coming near our car, looking at my wife, then letting us overtake them and then again coming close to her side of the window and then driving away fast. Do these idiots think that my wife is going to jump out of the car, hop onto their motorcycles and ride away with them into the sunset?” At which point his wife joined us and said, “Vikram, I think your friend is jealous that I’m still attracting attention of young boys,” to which my friend replied, “I don’t care what attention you attract. I was more worried one of those idiots might fall down and end up under my car.”
Then we have the quarrelsome riders who scream at you for not putting your hand out when you turn and then tell you to put that now - popular sticker “A/c vehicle. No hand signal”. The other indicator issue is the new trend on highways where people put on their signal light to indicate “overtake”. People should stop making up their own traffic signals, it’s confusing. All one has to do is move to the left and let the car behind pass! In fact, we had a driver who always thought the correct way to drive on a highway was to align the centre of his car’s bonnet to the centerline on the road. And we could never sleep when he drove because we always got honked repeatedly and angrily.
We always seem to be quarreling on the street, even for a small mistake and even after an apology and at no loss to any party. That’s why Rabindranath Tagore, comparing India and Japan on his visit there, wrote: “There is one thing here which strikes the eye in all public places. It is that there are crowds in the streets, but no noise whatever. It was as if the Japanese had not learnt to shout. It is said that in Japan even the babies do not cry. When motoring in the streets, one finds pushcarts and the like creating obstructions occasionally. The driver of the car waits quietly, and neither pours out abuse nor shouts. I sometimes wonder which manner is really unnatural. Us screaming or them being so calm?”
As far as India’s traffic problem is concerned, one needs to have a sense of humour, patience and the biblical attitude “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” As much as we get irritated in traffic, we must not lose our mind. Its better we laugh at it. The comedy of Indian traffic and people’s behaviour on road may not be a laughing matter but it sure can be turned into a satisfying laughter therapy. As a TV host said, “In India you need Good Horn, Good Brake and Good Luck”. You also need a good sense of humour to survive it.
